Category: BlahBlahBabble

See that last post? It’s restricted. If you can see it, then I’ve already granted you access to restricted posts. If you can’t see it, then all you need to do is ask for access and I’ll hook you up. It’s really that easy. Tell me who you are, include a website address if you have one – and you will be allowed in unless you are one of the very few I want to keep out.

I personally think that sometimes censoring yourself online is a pretty smart thing to do. A year ago, I didn’t feel that way. When I was job hunting last December, I realized it wouldn’t take much to find my website. Just do a Google search for “Christine” and I’m there in the number 1 spot. If an employer had issues with my political beliefs, something I did in my past, or maybe negative things I said about my last job, they just might hold that against me. I know they shouldn’t – but really, we’re all humans. Even employers. In a tight job market, when they can pick and choose who they want to hire among a lot of applicants, I personally believe it’s wise to watch what you say and do online.

Another perk of restricted access posts? Search engines can’t pick up on them, and they won’t haunt me (hopefully) in the years to come.

So there you have it – be sure to request access!

Mad props to Jennifer for fixing the code I broke! Thank you, Jenn! YOU ROCK!

I’ve been frustrated lately. It’s like words are on the tip of my tongue (or the tips of my fingers as the case may be), but I have nothing to say. Yet I want to shout from the rooftops and the whole world to hear my thoughts. Thoughts? What thoughts? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I think I’ve been reading way too much Chick Lit recently. First I read “In Her Shoes” by Jennifer Weiner. I had issues with this book, mainly because it was random. In the end, I really liked the book, and the style of writing worked well for the story as a whole – but I found it very hard to read. Another issue was that I kept wanting to identify with the sister that had it all put together, with what seemed like quite a perfect life – but in the end I realized I was a lot more like the fucked up sister that just seemed to get it all wrong. The one that basically thought the world revolved around her. All of my own personal failures, the demons I keep locked up came crashing down on me.

Next I read “Girl’s Poker Night” for one a Bookcrossing book ring I am participating in. Wow, if I thought that “In Her Shoes” was hard to read, this one was even worse. I felt like the character never let us in, never let us get to know the real woman she was on the inside. This was a key element to the story (again), but it still bugged me. She said that if you never take chances you never get hurt – and it’s really true. She never took a chance in even letting the readers know her. I finished the book thinking, “ah, good. That’s the end.” Stark contrast to when I read “Girls Are Weird” and couldn’t pick up a new book for two days because I didn’t want to spoil the memories I had of Anna K. and how I couldn’t wait to learn more about her.

As I scanned the bookshelf today for my next read, I realized I had to leave the Chick Lit for the time being – so now I’m reading Ray Bradbury’s “Fahrenheit 451.” Well written, giving my mind a rest.

My mind needs a rest. As I told Jennifer a few weeks ago, I think I’m suffering from clinical depression. I’ve had all the symptoms for many, many years. Back in 2000, I tried some medicine for it, prescribed by my regular doctor – and it was horrid. I only took it for 3 days – which I know isn’t long enough. I didn’t care. I was a walking zombie. I felt “flat”. I decided if taking medicine was going to make me feel like that, I wouild rather be depressed. Then a friend recommended me to use functional medicine,he said he had use gainswave before so I though I’d give his medicine a try.

*big deep breath*

Thing is, when I get really honest with myself – which we all know is pretty damn hard to do – I wonder if it isn’t something more. Especially after noticing my own behavior for the past few days at work. I am devouring every project that comes my way. I get a project, I tear through it, I want another. Very stark contrast to my behavior just a few weeks ago. So I do the research online to check up on myself – who needs a doctor when you have WebMD, right? – and I am lead again to wonder if I’m actually bipolar. I can count at least 4 times in the past year where my actions could be considered “hypomania”. I have delightfully fun mood swings sometimes. Ok, a lot of times.

I wonder. And it terrifies me. So now I have to face my fear, and as we all know – sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to face. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Getting help from a good psychiatrist is the next.

Normally, I prefer to write happy things, full of sunshine and light. Unfortunately, I’m not feeling very sunny right now. So instead I just don’t write. I miss the outlet though of writing.

I’m afraid though. I’m afraid that if I go to see a doctor and take medicine to treat whatever problem they diagnose, I will become less “me”. I don’t want to be the flat, monotone zombie again, living in a world of gray. I sort of like my colorful life just like it is – except when I start to see the problems that it can cause. It’s the problems that are making me tired, and driving me to do something about it.

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing all of this. Maybe it will come back to haunt me some day. Maybe I don’t care right now. Maybe some things just need to be said…

I often compose my posts in my mind long before I write them. Ok, not all of them, but most. This morning I was thinking about happiness, and how so many people never seem satisfied. (By so many people I mean me. Just so we are clear.) When life is really good, we’re still looking for it to be even better. The grass is always greener and all that.

Somewhere between the time I was thinking about all of this and the present, sitting here at the keyboard, I realized it had all become a garbled mess in my head – that really it’s just that – learning to be happy with what is at hand. Getting over all the quirks and imperfections. Setting goals and striving for them, but not being so hard on yourself and everyone around you when things don’t work out as planned.

The whole point came crashing down on me as I looked at a photo I took at Jackson Square in New Orleans, the most recent photo in my Pixelog. The non-stop rain could have ruined my day – but instead it made it better.

Isn’t that what life is all about? Finding the little things, even the things that seem negative at first, and figuring out how they really make your life better?

I got to meet Ashley today! We had a nice lunch at Jason’s (once we got a table!) and it was wonderful! An hour wasn’t long enough – we will have to do it again SOON! And as if meeting her wasn’t good enough, she brought me a birthday present too – a gift certificate for Intuition Massage! I can’t even begin to tell you how much I need a massage. I ache. My neck hurts. My back hurts. I have a new chair for work, but I have to put it together. It will help – but a massage will help even more! Thank you, Ashley! You are my hero!

As a Mom, I am required to post this on my blog. Please pardon the shameless promotion. Part 2 of Jason’s school fundraiser is under way – he is raising funds for St. Anne School by selling Sally Foster Giftwrap. If you have never used Sally Foster, they have great high-quality holiday and all-occasion giftwrap made of the strongest paper available as well as coordinating accessories, unique gift ideas, and fine chocolates all at an incredible value. I *love* wrapping gifts with this paper, and the rolls are huge – great if you have a large family, or if you are like me they just last a long time. Nice, nice paper – not the flimsy stuff you get sometimes at the store.

When you place an order, St. Anne School retains 50% of your purchase amount and Jason will receive prize credit for orders placed by October 10, 2003. So if you normally order gift wrap anyways, would you consider ordering from Sally Foster to support him and his school? Thanks!