BigPinkCookie

First off, the friend mentioned in the last post called. She had read my e-mail response (no, she has never read my site), and we cleared the air on some issues. I am still annoyed at myself though, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Then my Mom called after reading my last post. I think she was a little put out that I would say such negative things about someone and yet call them a friend. Only problem is, I don’t think I was being that negative. Ok, ok, the first paragraph was a little snarky. But you know what? I’ve actually said pretty much all the things I said in that post to her directly over the past 10 years in one way or another. I have pointed out – and she has even admitted – that she is pushy when she wants her way. The rest of the post was meant to be about how annoyed I was – in part for being accused of lying, and in part for how I felt the need to justify the things I need to do for myself.

It bugs the crap out of me some days that I am such a cliche people-pleaser that I even had a psychiatrist nail it on the head within 10 minutes of meeting me. I feel such crazy pressure some days to make others happy while sacrificing what I need for myself. I hate feeling like such a pushover some times. I hate that I often give in to certain people, just to do whatever I can to make them happy.

So just so we are clear, that was the point of why I was annoyed earlier. It’s not a matter of whether I should cut her off as a friend – I can’t do that. It’s all about my need to grow a spine and stand up for myself some days, instead of feeling the constant need to please everyone around me.

Anyways, what is a blog for if you can’t rant when you need to? I don’t do it often, but some days, you just have to get something off of your chest. I was feeling accused, and I was hurt, angry, upset … so I posted about it. That is really what this site is for, to post about my true feelings on things. I’m tired of censoring myself. I’m still *thisclose* (pinchy finger gesture) to password protecting or going anonymous – but I don’t want to do that.

I just want to be ME. Without feeling such a need to please everyone. Because really, how you can you please everyone? It’s simply impossible.

Mom also brought up the point that my other friends might read this and think I “talk bad” about them behind their backs. Well, first and foremost, let’s be realistic – I think everyone does that in some form or fashion. I expect that I have done something at one point in time or another to make people angry or upset, and they have expressed it to others. None of us are perfect. Online? Well, yeah – I’ve been there on the receiving end. Not recently, but it has happened. But I don’t feel that I attacked my friend here, I just vented some steam. But no, I’m not running around talkin’ smack about everyone that I know online. That’s not my style. Snarky at moments? Sure, I know I am. But not like that.

So I’m going to go back to focusing on growing a spine. Feel free to share any feedback you might have on how to go about that.

Meanwhile, America’s Next Top Model is on tonight… and somehow, that makes things just a little brighter.

I have this friend. Some of you that live in Houston have met said friend and know exactly who I am talking about. So, said friend likes to try to run my life. No, wait, she wants to run everyone’s life. If we, all the earthly subjects of her reign, don’t want to do her bidding, she gets VERY upset. You are warned.

She asked me to come down to her house this weekend to make various stamped projects. It was a nice offer, she wanted to help me out. However, she lives over an hour away. It is a shorter drive if I take the toll road, but it costs something crazy like $8 round trip. Also, it would mean packing up all of my stuff to take it down there, which is just crazy. Plus I have spent the past three Saturdays doing stamping stuff – two of those Saturdays at her house. I will be spending next Sunday doing another stamping party.

I am not complaining about any of that at all – I just need some time off.

Even then, it’s not really time off. I want to have a garage sale within the next week or so – which means I need to go through the house and hunt for those special treasures to sell. On top of that, I need to encourage Mike to find special treasures to sell. (That’s a nice way of saying I am going to make him go through the closet and get rid of all the things he doesn’t wear.) On top of that, we have a lot of yard work to do. Not the usual mowing and edging – we need to go through flowerbeds, clean them out, trim trees, fun things like that. A lot to do, and this is the weekend to do it.

Finally, I just need time with my family. Down time, time for US.

But does she GET that? No. I told her that I couldn’t come down this weekend due to the yardwork and getting ready for the garage sale. She actually wrote me back and said she didn’t get why I needed to be home on Sunday to do work, when I said before that it was a good day to do a stamp party. (Yeah, the one we are having on the 21st.) She then went on to say “the different stories are confusing me.”

Different stories? WTF???

Then she points out that I was doing yard work on Monday, so why should I need to do it again. Uh, hello? I was weeding on Monday. No, we don’t have a huge yard – but there is a lot that needs to get done.

Finally, she says, “I’ll tell you like I told my stupid sister-in-law earlier…’If you don’t want to see me or spend time with me, please just have the common courtesy to say so…don’t give me long bs stories.”

Uh, yeah. Right. First and foremost, without an explanation, just saying “No” would not have worked. I know better. Secondly, if we’re all giving her long explanations as to why we can’t do something, did it ever occur to her that maybe it’s because she puts us all on the defensive? (That is a rhetorical question. I know that thought has never crossed her mind.)

I’m just annoyed. I’m annoyed at her for basically accusing me of lieing to her by saying that she doesn’t get my “different stories”. Grumble, grumble. I think I’m even more annoyed at myself for feeling the need to justify myself to her in the first place. Maybe I should have just said “no.” I thought it was a lot more courteous to explain to her why I was saying no – especially since she has a vested interest in me having the garage sale because I have items of hers to sell too. Then I’m annoyed that I let it get to me. It is really getting to me.

We’ve been friends for many years, and now that things have settled down in both of our lives it is normally better than this. I’m not the type that can just cut someone off. (Heck, I was in a bad relationship for 8 years because I just couldn’t give up.) It’s just not … me. I’m desperate to find a solution, and I’m so frustrated because I know there isn’t one. She has been the same way for the most part for many years. I used to be bad about not communicating my feelings, and I have been working on that – successfully. I thought communicating how I felt about this was a wise thing. (She did get an e-mail about this from me, I’m not completely avoiding it with her.) On top of everything, she has found a LOT of stamping customers for me, and I appreciate all of her help. She has given me a ton of feedback and some great ideas on getting more business. All of these are good things. But badgering me to do something that I just can’t do? That is just … wrong.

Dear Abby, I need your advice…