I’ve been thinking about this all day, but Catherine’s post has finally brought it to the point where I simply *have* to write about it.
August 2000 the IO & I broke up. (IO=Insignificant Other, aka Freakio) All of my friends celebrated & rejoiced hesitantly, as we had broken up before but always got back together.
September, 2000 – He begged for another chance. He took me out for a birthday dinner and as he said, when I kissed him goodnight it was a kiss like you would give your grandmother. I couldn’t trust him to not hurt me again, to not insult me, to not put me down or simply break my heart. I didn’t believe in us.
October, 2000 – The begging for another chance continues. He tells me how he truly wants to marry me. My friend that has Herpes informed me about it, and it truly effected my sex life – as in I wouldn’t put out. The reality of the fact that STDs are possible hit home. Since I wouldn’t have sex with him, he was convinced I was “getting it somewhere else”. I wasn’t. I never cheated on him.
November, 2000 – I finally agree to give him another chance. Still no ring. He won’t set a wedding date. He won’t tell his kids until his daughter’s wedding was over (he’s 14 years older then I am, and she’s just 8 years younger then me) because he didn’t want to “overshadow” her wedding.
December, 2000 – It truly annoyed me that he wouldn’t announce our supposed engagement to his family. The excuse of overshadowing her wedding was lame, we had dated for almost 8 years – they probably would have said “it’s about time!” I felt completely out of place at her wedding, because she had no idea what to do with me. You know, the etiquette books don’t seem to cover “what do you do with your dad’s long time girlfriend that he doesn’t care enough about to finally marry?” The term “Insignificant Other” came to be during a conversation with Naomi. Christmas Eve – huge blowout with him because my Mother wouldn’t come over to my house for Christmas Eve, and she refused to invite him to her house. Christmas Day resulted in a lovely arguement and we didn’t talk until …
New Year’s Eve, 2000 – I called him because I didn’t want to just sit at home. We talked about the arguement the week before and I discovered he wasn’t as mad at me as I assumed. (Yeah, but why did I have to call him to find that out?) We agreed to go out and do something, but argued about what to do, when to go, and so forth. Another huge fight because I was dressed up for the night on the town and he showed up in khaki’s, a shirt, tie and jacket. (I expected him to be in a suit.) I said “Oh, I expected you to be more dressed up – let me go change quick.” I wanted to be a little more comfy. This made him flip out because I was supposedly saying he didn’t look nice. Uh, no. I simply said “let me go change and be a little more casual.” In the car we ended up in the first actual screaming match in years, and the roads were wet and slightly icy – I thought for sure he was going to kill us considering how he was driving. He realized what an ass he was being. Apologized. Apologized again. And again. And we went to dinner at the Comedy club as planned. I was miserable every minute I was there. Midnight rolled around – in the past I was always excited about what was going to lay ahead for us in the New Year, was that going to be the year we got married, etc. New Year’s Eve 2000? I thought to myself “in a year I do NOT want to be sitting here with him. I want him out of my life.”
It’s been a long year. I even attempted a few times to work things out with him. But this New Year’s Eve? I’ll be alone. Exactly what I wished for a year ago. While it’s not always fun being alone, I can honestly say in hindsight that it’s a lot better then being with him and miserable. That’s not what love is about. That’s not what life is about. I like ME too much to allow myself to be with someone that treats me like that.
So while I may be spending New Year’s Eve alone with Jason this year … it may just be the best New Year’s yet. (I still would like to be in Times Square with Kathy though for Bloggerfest.) I still have moments where I miss him – how can you not after 8+ years? But they are fewer and further inbetween incidents. And I am making plans for the future, moving ahead, and every time I do something I truly enjoy that he would have hated (and that’s a lot) I think to myself how glad I am that my life has taken the turns it has. I have found a peace that I only dreamed of a year ago. I am so very thankful for that. Serenity is such a good thing.
Catherine, you have my support. And to my other friends that are going through various transitions in their lives – I am here for you, always. We will get through it and make 2002 a good year.