I wrote all about Saturday’s adventures, but just skipped right over Friday night. My friend Tom & went out to eat at Los Cucos restaurant. On the way back to my place we went Wal-Marting because I decided I didn’t want to wait on getting a webcam – but they didn’t have any. We came back to my apartment to watch Frequency. I hadn’t watched the DVD since I bought it, and he hadn’t seen it at all and I thought he would enjoy it. I think he did – until the end. I won’t ruin the ending for those of you that haven’t seen it – just see it, it is a really cool movie. But he started talking about how all movies end with the characters all living these perfectly happy lives. I said that I didn’t want to get into it – it was late. I was tired and on day 2 of my headache. It had been hours since I had taken anything for it, so it was back with a vengeance. Not one to take no for an answer, he pushed on. I snapped. I said, “It was just an ending! It was a happy moment, they were happy, nothing more! They never said their entire lives were perfect!” Tom thought I wasn’t listening to him, so he pressed on with his point on how (he felt) it was an inaccurate portrayal of life. I said that there are happy moments in everyone’s life – and if he couldn’t see that then he needed to reexamine his own. (Meow!) He naively thought I was having fun verbally sparing with him, so he continued forward – not listening to me tell him that I *really* didn’t want to discuss it. It has been a long hard week. I was tired. It was late. Finally – I broke down and actually started to cry. I think he was in shock. Yes, I was crying over something so trivial as how I felt about the ending of a movie. What a goober. He couldn’t believe I was seriously crying. Which, in turn, made the whole thing funny to me. I apologized to him for it – at least I hope I did. I knew better then to get into it. I knew no good was going to come out of the discussion. It was simply the ending of a movie – and I needed a happy ending after the mood I had been in…
I figured out why I have been so moody this week. On Monday or Tuesday I realized that this was the week of the trip that caused the final good-byes between me & the Insignificant Other. He gave me 48 hours notice to make vacation & babysitting arrangements for a trip to Whistler Resort in Canada that was months away. Meanwhile my boss was out sick and I couldn’t get a commitment to whether or not I could have the time off. This, of course, made him quite irate. He said he was going to take one of his kids – fine with me. That made it even worse; he thought I didn’t want to go on the trip. Not the case, I just couldn’t confirm my vacation. Then when they couldn’t go, he said he would just go ahead and put me down as his guest. No, he wasn’t paying for the trip. And if I didn’t go he wasn’t out anything financially. But still – I couldn’t take the pressure. I realized after he told me he was putting me down as his guest that while I wanted to go there, I didn’t want to go *with him*. I didn’t really want to go anywhere anymore with him. So a few hours later I told him that I couldn’t go on playing the game any more. I was done. This attempt at making it work wasn’t working. His reply was that he wished I had told him that as soon as he had asked me about the trip (48+ hours earlier) because he would have invited someone else. I have buried my feelings about that ever since – just *who* would he have asked at such short notice? We had been dating for over 7 years, who did he know so well that he could whisk them away on a cozy little trip to Canada? Was he cheating on me? Were all of my fears correct? But I buried those thoughts for months, and I have been moving on with life – most of the time. This week it got to me though, when I found it scribbled on my calendar, casually blocked out way back when. I wondered if he went, and if he went who did he take with him? Silly. I have met a lot of great people in the past few months, people I would have never known otherwise. I have met one very special person in particular – ME. I know who that person is looking back at me in the mirror again. It is a great feeling. But I saw fear of the unknown in my eyes this week. And I have to keep reminding myself how I felt back then, how he did not respect me or our relationship. I have not called him or written to him or anything else. And I am continuing to face forward, taking what I have learned from my past and moving ahead… it isn’t always easy though. But I know in my heart that in the end it will be ok and I will end up in a much better place.