Decisions again…

I just talked to my mom on the phone. She was saying how my father thinks that Jason should go to North Dakota with them, that he should “be there” for the funeral. I said “Gee, no one is worried about ME being there.” (ok, that looks totally stupid in writing, but in the context of the moment… anyways.) She said, “I thought you told your father that you couldn’t go?” Well… no, that’s not quite the case. I don’t have money to buy a plane ticket. I have meetings and appointments scheduled Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday of this week. I don’t have vacation time accrued here yet (although I may have bereavement time, I didn’t even check) so missing time may mean missing salary. I already owe them a substantial amount of money from the past 3 months (since leaving the FC) and I hate to owe them any more. If I stay here, I sell. If I sell, I make money, and I can pay them back. I was just up there a month ago, and while this may sound cold-hearted, I would rather spend time with someone when they were alive rather than after they are dead. But then again everyone will be there – and will it look odd to them if I am not? Like I don’t care? Even some of my cousins who I didn’t get to see last month (Leslie, Lynette, Linnea, possibly Debra and Paul – the ones that are my age) will be there.

I don’t want to miss the time here at work. It is already hurting me financially that I missed time last month. I can’t afford any more. I am tired of having to borrow money from my parents to have simple basic things. August 15 is beginning of “catch up” payday for me finally. I don’t want to go back further into the hole.

So I am sitting here wondering … what would he want? He was always of the mindset, “So what? Who cares what they think?” The you-have-to-do-what-you-have-to-do type. I don’t know. There is a part of me that says I should be there and bigger part of me that says I should stay. I am afraid I would regret not going later though if I went. Then I start to think again of the financial issue. Ugh. Have I mentioned lately that I hate having to make decisions?

To top it all off, I mention it to my boss (who has been wonderfully sympathetic and understanding) and he said “if you need to go… we can work something out” in reference to the bereavement/vacation time issue. Up until now I was of the mindset that I shouldn’t go … now I don’t know what to do.