I can predict what the IO will do soooooo well. I have been basically blowing him off, I realized I will never move on (which is what he said he wants – we “can’t work things out”) if I keep hanging on to him. Even though the last few times I have seen him have been more for fun – I did not do it as a means to change his mind – I have still seen him. So I have backed away. I stopped calling, and I talk to him only if he initiates the contact, which isn’t often. So, what does he do? He asks me today if I want to get together tonight. (Up until now, every time I have seen him has been my suggestion.) So predictable.
Here is where I frustrate myself though. You see, I have a tentative date tonight. Only tentative because he is working on an intensive project at work and not sure what time he will get off of work – but I have already made arrangements for a sitter, etc. Do I tell the IO “no, I have another date?” NO. I just tell him “oh, I don’t know … not sure if I can…” What is up with THAT??? Ugh! I could kick myself. The opportunity was right there. I know why I did it though. I don’t want to burn the bridge yet. I have walked over it to walk away, but I want the safety of knowing it is behind me in case I want to go back. And I don’t want to rock the boat with the IO. Which is stupid for two reasons: (1) because he is dating chicky-poo and (2) that was the problem for that past 8 years. I always tried to play nice. Tried to make sure I didn’t rock the boat. *sigh* Why do we do this?
I want things to go well with the “new guy” (should I just call him the NG now? LOL) because he seems to be a really nice, warm, loving, caring person. Who, like me, was in a relationship that was a struggle, where he wasn’t appreciated, where he would do nice things for the other person (his ex-wife) and get shut down for being nice. I know how he feels. I think that is why we are both so sensitive and appreciative of the small gestures – it is so often the little things that make all the difference in the world. Even if it doesn’t turn into anything more than what it is right now, it has made me see (AGAIN) all the things that are wrong with the relationship with the IO and all the things I want in my future.
Super J (who rocks!) pointed out last night that I have to be sure to date only people who can care about both me & Jason. The IO always had issues with doing “Jason Things” with me. Cub Scouts, plays, camping trips, whatever. He wasn’t there, and I can’t have that in my life – Jason matters more to me than any man. The ever wise Naomi pointed out “let it go, it doesn’t even matter what he thinks right? YOU are the one who is important here.”
I just have to be strong and burn the security blanket. Because when I think about it, there is *no* security there.
