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If I Didn’t Have a Dress Already…

I found my ex-wife’s wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, “Thatís such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay. At least get something back for it.” So, this is what Iím doing. Iím selling it hoping to get enough money for maybe a couple of Mariners tickets and some beer. This dress cost me $1200 that my drunken sot of an ex-father-in-law swore up and down he would pay for but didnít so I got stuck with the bill.

Anyone need his ex-wife’s size 12 wedding dress with no reserve?

By the way, he’s not ugly just because he has a huge white blotch on his face. The headdress and veil are included. The doo rag is not.

(The most amusing part? The bidding on the dress started at $1. It’s over $1400 now. The fact that he’s freakin’ hysterical in the Ebay ad probably helps!)

(In case Ebay pulls it, you can read the full ad below. I’ll add the photos tomorrow.)

For Sale: One Slightly Used Size 12 Wedding Gown. Only worn twice: Once at the wedding and once for these pictures.

Make: Victoria

Style: 611

Size: 12

Divorce forces sale

I found my ex-wife’s wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, “Thatís such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay. At least get something back for it.” So, this is what Iím doing. Iím selling it hoping to get enough money for maybe a couple of Mariners tickets and some beer. This dress cost me $1200 that my drunken sot of an ex-father-in-law swore up and down he would pay for but didnít so I got stuck with the bill. Luckily I only got stuck with his daughter for 5 years. Thank the Lord we didn’t have kids. If they would have turned out like her or her family I would have slit my wrists. Anyway, itís a really nice dress as you can see in the pictures. Personally, I think it looks like a $1200 shower curtain, but what do I know about this. We tried taking pictures of this lovely white garment but it didnít look right on the hanger as you can see, so my sister says, “You need a model.” Well, quite frankly my sister isnít exactly small, (like a size 12 is?) so she wouldnít pose for the picture. Seeing as I have sworn off women for the time being and I ainít friends with any, it left me holding the bag. I took the liberty of blacking out my face – not to protect the ex-wife but to protect me from my bar buddies and co-workers finding out about it. I would never live it down. Actually I didnít think my head would fit in the neck hole, but then I figured she got her Texas cheerleader hair through there I could get my head in it. Though, after looking at the pictures, I thought it made me look fat. How do you women wear this crap? I only had to walk 3 feet and I tripped twice. Donít worry ladies – I am wearing clothes on underneath it. I gotta say it did make me feel very pretty. So if it can make me feel pretty, it can make you feel pretty, especially on the most important day of your life, right? Anyway, I was told to say it has a train and a veil and all kinds of shiny beady things. I think it’s funny that one picture makes it look like the chest plate off an Imperial Storm Trooper. Did I mention that all I want is a ball game and beer? Cheap at twice the price. Ladies, you wonít regret this. You may regret the dude you marry but not the dress.

Just a little side note – As I was putting this ad in EBay, it asked me for a color. Is a wedding dress any other freaking color than white or ivory??!! If it is it wouldn’t be a wedding dress, now would it?? I suppose black would work…

By Christine

Christine is an Avenger of Sexiness. Her Superpower is helping Hot Mamas grow their Confidence by rediscovering their Beauty. She lives in the Heights in Houston, Texas, works as a boudoir photographer, and writes about running a Business of Awesome. In her spare time, she loves to knit, especially when she travels. She & her husband Mike have a food blog at Spoon & Knife.