I’m Not All Bad, Am I?

First off, the friend mentioned in the last post called. She had read my e-mail response (no, she has never read my site), and we cleared the air on some issues. I am still annoyed at myself though, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Then my Mom called after reading my last post. I think she was a little put out that I would say such negative things about someone and yet call them a friend. Only problem is, I don’t think I was being that negative. Ok, ok, the first paragraph was a little snarky. But you know what? I’ve actually said pretty much all the things I said in that post to her directly over the past 10 years in one way or another. I have pointed out – and she has even admitted – that she is pushy when she wants her way. The rest of the post was meant to be about how annoyed I was – in part for being accused of lying, and in part for how I felt the need to justify the things I need to do for myself.

It bugs the crap out of me some days that I am such a cliche people-pleaser that I even had a psychiatrist nail it on the head within 10 minutes of meeting me. I feel such crazy pressure some days to make others happy while sacrificing what I need for myself. I hate feeling like such a pushover some times. I hate that I often give in to certain people, just to do whatever I can to make them happy.

So just so we are clear, that was the point of why I was annoyed earlier. It’s not a matter of whether I should cut her off as a friend – I can’t do that. It’s all about my need to grow a spine and stand up for myself some days, instead of feeling the constant need to please everyone around me.

Anyways, what is a blog for if you can’t rant when you need to? I don’t do it often, but some days, you just have to get something off of your chest. I was feeling accused, and I was hurt, angry, upset … so I posted about it. That is really what this site is for, to post about my true feelings on things. I’m tired of censoring myself. I’m still *thisclose* (pinchy finger gesture) to password protecting or going anonymous – but I don’t want to do that.

I just want to be ME. Without feeling such a need to please everyone. Because really, how you can you please everyone? It’s simply impossible.

Mom also brought up the point that my other friends might read this and think I “talk bad” about them behind their backs. Well, first and foremost, let’s be realistic – I think everyone does that in some form or fashion. I expect that I have done something at one point in time or another to make people angry or upset, and they have expressed it to others. None of us are perfect. Online? Well, yeah – I’ve been there on the receiving end. Not recently, but it has happened. But I don’t feel that I attacked my friend here, I just vented some steam. But no, I’m not running around talkin’ smack about everyone that I know online. That’s not my style. Snarky at moments? Sure, I know I am. But not like that.

So I’m going to go back to focusing on growing a spine. Feel free to share any feedback you might have on how to go about that.

Meanwhile, America’s Next Top Model is on tonight… and somehow, that makes things just a little brighter.

By Christine

Christine is an Avenger of Sexiness. Her Superpower is helping Hot Mamas grow their Confidence by rediscovering their Beauty. She lives in the Heights in Houston, Texas, works as a boudoir photographer, and writes about running a Business of Awesome. In her spare time, she loves to knit, especially when she travels. She & her husband Mike have a food blog at Spoon & Knife.

14 replies on “I’m Not All Bad, Am I?”

well, i commend you for realizing that there is a problem and coming out and saying it here. it takes guts. you will learn how to say no and feel good about it. “no” is not a bad word. it’s necessary when it’s necessary. maybe after a few “no’s” then she will realize that you do need some time just for you and your family. one thing that peeves me the most is when someone digs up the past and tries to account for everything just to compare that she did “this much” for you and you did “that much” for her. a friendship is not a contest. and being a friend doesn’t mean you have to succumb to everything for the other and it doesn’t mean that you have to demand everything of the other either. that’s my two-cents.

I agree with what chattykathy said. Learning to say *NO* is a very liberating thing. It does not make you a bad and evil person, it just makes you a person whi wants to reclaim her own life.

Your needs come first, as do those of Jason and Mike. Never forget that, and you will be fine.

Learning to say *NO* was the hardest yet easiest thing I ever learned. Having 2 kiddos babysitting age in a church/ship/neighborhood environment made me do it pretty quickly. Just imagine being welcomed by a group of women, only to find out that they only like you because your daughters babysit. Then, you will learn to say no. *LOL* Gads, that was a bad few years. I was called worse than a bitch and I think that I’m stronger for the whole experience.

Wasn’t ANTM great last night? I would so freak out like Eva did with a spider on me. Bleck!

I think the difficulty with ‘growing a spine’ as you put it, and as I understand it, is that it’s not a one time thing. You can’t say no once and suddenly stand up for yourself in any situation. It’s more of a slow slow slow accumulation, and for me, the road to spinefulness (i know, not a word) has been full of pitfalls that send me shooting back… if you find a speedy way, let me know, would you?

Yeah, what Daisy said. It is hard and I wish I was better at it.

You are right. We have all had issues with a friend or two that we have shared with someone else. It doesn’t make up bad people. It doesn’t mean we don’t want them to be friends. No one is perfect and we don’t have to like every single about them to like them as a person. I have friend who drive me nuts sometimes, but I still love ’em to death.

Finally, this is your blog and you get to vent about whatever you want. We can take it! 😉

Take back the power, sista!

I have recently started cutting people out of my life who are making me feel bad. I’m not suggesting you should go to such drastic measures, but I also had an acquaintance who, if I happened to skip more than a week before calling her, I would hear all of these super sarcastic remarks like: “Oh, so you finally have time for me again.” For the first few times I treated it as a joke, but after every single friggin’ time it started wearing on me BIG TIME. My stress levels shot through the roof just thinking about her. I also tried the direct approach, but she got FURIOUS and said: “Fine, so I’m not perfect…” and went off on this incredible rant until I apologized for ever bringing it up! I finally stopped phoning her altogether, because I really didn’t know what else to do.

Anyway, in my opinion your “venting” post was very gracious.

After 5 years in therapy, I’ve decided that growing a spine is all about making reasonable boundaries and respecting them. Until you learn where your space begins and respect that, no spine appears…

Guess I have to agree, it’s 2 steps forward, and one back – not “I did it!” once and then I have a spine. Too bad. Think of it this way: I need to be sure I’m happy just as much as my friend is happy.

Might work!

I just happened upon your blog by accident while I was looking for a way to send cookie bouquets to my dad (Googled “cookies birthday texas”). Something about the butt paste pic made me want to look deeper.

I’ve got to say that I’ve recently developed a theory about those of us with a variation of the name Christina (mine’s Cristina, anyway). We’re smart *wink*wink*, generally nice, perceived as outgoing, aim to please and spend our whole lives trying to break out of the stereotype we’re imposing on ourselves. Maybe it’s just me, but that model seems to fit the 20+ Christy, Chrissy, Kristi, etcs that I’ve had as good friends.

Good luck on that spine you’re looking to grow….

I agree with all the replies on this website. I too have always been a “people pleaser” and I’m tired of it. There are people at work that literally “make me physically sick) one in particular, and makes me just hurt all over. I end up not doing what I need to do and feeling terrible. It’s time for it to stop and start putting myself first. Other people try to do me this way too, because I have always been “a nice person.” I will continue to be nice (the way I was raised and the way I prefer), but I have going to say NO more and mean it. My only concerns are my family and me !

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