First off, the friend mentioned in the last post called. She had read my e-mail response (no, she has never read my site), and we cleared the air on some issues. I am still annoyed at myself though, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Then my Mom called after reading my last post. I think she was a little put out that I would say such negative things about someone and yet call them a friend. Only problem is, I don’t think I was being that negative. Ok, ok, the first paragraph was a little snarky. But you know what? I’ve actually said pretty much all the things I said in that post to her directly over the past 10 years in one way or another. I have pointed out – and she has even admitted – that she is pushy when she wants her way. The rest of the post was meant to be about how annoyed I was – in part for being accused of lying, and in part for how I felt the need to justify the things I need to do for myself.
It bugs the crap out of me some days that I am such a cliche people-pleaser that I even had a psychiatrist nail it on the head within 10 minutes of meeting me. I feel such crazy pressure some days to make others happy while sacrificing what I need for myself. I hate feeling like such a pushover some times. I hate that I often give in to certain people, just to do whatever I can to make them happy.
So just so we are clear, that was the point of why I was annoyed earlier. It’s not a matter of whether I should cut her off as a friend – I can’t do that. It’s all about my need to grow a spine and stand up for myself some days, instead of feeling the constant need to please everyone around me.
Anyways, what is a blog for if you can’t rant when you need to? I don’t do it often, but some days, you just have to get something off of your chest. I was feeling accused, and I was hurt, angry, upset … so I posted about it. That is really what this site is for, to post about my true feelings on things. I’m tired of censoring myself. I’m still *thisclose* (pinchy finger gesture) to password protecting or going anonymous – but I don’t want to do that.
I just want to be ME. Without feeling such a need to please everyone. Because really, how you can you please everyone? It’s simply impossible.
Mom also brought up the point that my other friends might read this and think I “talk bad” about them behind their backs. Well, first and foremost, let’s be realistic – I think everyone does that in some form or fashion. I expect that I have done something at one point in time or another to make people angry or upset, and they have expressed it to others. None of us are perfect. Online? Well, yeah – I’ve been there on the receiving end. Not recently, but it has happened. But I don’t feel that I attacked my friend here, I just vented some steam. But no, I’m not running around talkin’ smack about everyone that I know online. That’s not my style. Snarky at moments? Sure, I know I am. But not like that.
So I’m going to go back to focusing on growing a spine. Feel free to share any feedback you might have on how to go about that.
Meanwhile, America’s Next Top Model is on tonight… and somehow, that makes things just a little brighter.