Watch out for these new viruses – neither Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as of yet!
The George Bush Virus – Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The Clinton Virus – Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus – Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
The John Kerry virus – causes the floppy to flip flop on its stored memory.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus – Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus – Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus – Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Mike Tyson Virus – Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus – Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus – Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus – Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus – Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus – Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy… then discards it through Windows.
[via e-mail from my Dad.]
7 replies on “Virus Warnings…”
These are great.
I sent it to your Dad in the first place! Cute, huh?
Ha ha! That is hilarious!
Even though he hates it when I do that, I read that post out loud to my husband. He even chuckled at some of them.
I love all the jokes! How true most of them are!!!!
Hi C,
Please take a look at the following:
Subject: Resume
NAME: John Kerry
RESIDENCES: 7 mansions, including Washington DC, worth multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a U.S. Senator. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant from in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my
neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months).
MILITARY:
I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months).
I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa. I served in Vietnam (four months).
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets,
thus gutting our country’s ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts,
despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million I served in Vietnam (four months).
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).
Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I
served in Vietnam (four months).
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).
PERSONAL
I practice my Catholic faith when cameras are present.
I ride a Serotta Bike.
I love to ski/snowboard.
My Gulfstream V Jet I call “The Flying Squirrel”.
I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the> “Scarmouche”.
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
I own several “Large” SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.I served in Vietnam (four months).
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004
What do you think of this 🙂
Funny thing is – I got the Bush version of that resume in the e-mail over the weekend, and … well, I’d still vote for Kerry. Without a doubt.
I am annoyed about the whole “Heinz outsources” thing – she owns what, 4% in stock in the company? And they don’t outsource – they manufacture overseas what is sold overseas. So stuff for the US is made in the US, stuff for England is made in England, etc. – that’s very different than outsourcing. If you are selling a product in a country, it’s a nice thing to offer people jobs in that country making that product.
Just for the record though – THEY do not *own* any Heinz plants. No one with the Heinz name has been in charge of the company since what, the 80s?
As for real world experience, I would take Kerry’s over Bush’s any day. The man has had THREE press conferences since he was president. THREE. How sad is that, that his own staff knows he should not be allowed to speak in public where he might say something not scripted? They make sure it never happens.
And Kerry’s wealth exceeds that of Bush because Bush can’t seem to manage money – his own or our government’s. 😉