BigPinkCookie

I just talked to my mom on the phone. She was saying how my father thinks that Jason should go to North Dakota with them, that he should “be there” for the funeral. I said “Gee, no one is worried about ME being there.” (ok, that looks totally stupid in writing, but in the context of the moment… anyways.) She said, “I thought you told your father that you couldn’t go?” Well… no, that’s not quite the case. I don’t have money to buy a plane ticket. I have meetings and appointments scheduled Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday of this week. I don’t have vacation time accrued here yet (although I may have bereavement time, I didn’t even check) so missing time may mean missing salary. I already owe them a substantial amount of money from the past 3 months (since leaving the FC) and I hate to owe them any more. If I stay here, I sell. If I sell, I make money, and I can pay them back. I was just up there a month ago, and while this may sound cold-hearted, I would rather spend time with someone when they were alive rather than after they are dead. But then again everyone will be there – and will it look odd to them if I am not? Like I don’t care? Even some of my cousins who I didn’t get to see last month (Leslie, Lynette, Linnea, possibly Debra and Paul – the ones that are my age) will be there.

I don’t want to miss the time here at work. It is already hurting me financially that I missed time last month. I can’t afford any more. I am tired of having to borrow money from my parents to have simple basic things. August 15 is beginning of “catch up” payday for me finally. I don’t want to go back further into the hole.

So I am sitting here wondering … what would he want? He was always of the mindset, “So what? Who cares what they think?” The you-have-to-do-what-you-have-to-do type. I don’t know. There is a part of me that says I should be there and bigger part of me that says I should stay. I am afraid I would regret not going later though if I went. Then I start to think again of the financial issue. Ugh. Have I mentioned lately that I hate having to make decisions?

To top it all off, I mention it to my boss (who has been wonderfully sympathetic and understanding) and he said “if you need to go… we can work something out” in reference to the bereavement/vacation time issue. Up until now I was of the mindset that I shouldn’t go … now I don’t know what to do.

Rylanddotnet posted this Scary Baby at FilePile. I was so amused I had to share. Be sure to visit his *cool* site at A Boy and his Computer. Play with the themes. They rock. I really want to do that with this site someday…

I am so thankful for everyone’s support and kind words. I feel very enveloped in love right now, and that really helps. I am doing ok, although I am exhausted right now. I was a little stunned when I talked to my mom this morning – I didn’t realize last night that they aren’t quite sure exactly when he died. It may have been 2 or 3 days ago. I don’t think it could have been that long though – I would think the women at the nursing home would have noticed that he hadn’t been there to visit – he was normally there every other day at least. I am surprised that no one noticed that he wasn’t at church on Sunday. It’s such a small town, normally everything is noticed. I am however grateful that (from what I know so far) he didn’t suffer. It is almost harder in some ways to watch my grandmother deteriorate. He was just making plans a week or so ago to travel down to South Dakota this fall to visit family.

I came to work today – it has been better for me to have something to focus on. Keeps me from thinking too much right now. I know there will be rough times at moments ahead – thank you to *everyone* for your support.

Grandpa & Me, Sykeston, ND – July 8, 2001

Just as I was posting my last entry, my mom called. Sobbing & talking. I could not understand her at first (if I didn’t have caller ID I might not have even known who it was.) I asked what was wrong. She paused, took a breath, and repeated herself. My grandfather died. I am going through a zillion emotions right now, all of which seem to randomly prompt tears. My Aunt Carol had been trying to call him (she lives in Minneapolis) but wasn’t able to reach him. She then called her cousin who lives there in town – and Dennis & Diane went over and found him. I didn’t realize it, but my Mom said it has been very hot there (nearly 100) and he had no AC in the house. I don’t know if that played a role in his death, and even if it did it was because he ws weak. I am sad, but very thankful that I got to spend time with him just a month ago. He was 88, and had lived a very rich full life. I could tell when we were there that he was tired… I said at the time that it might be the last time I would see him. I knew, and I think he did too. He was more sentimental then he is known to be. He was so concerned about bringing my Grandmother home (she is in a nursing home with Alzheimers) because she hadn’t been there in 14 months – so we did it, my dad and uncles helped out as she is now in a wheelchair. He told me one night that if I wanted anything in the house to “just ask” – I brought home the rosary that used to hang on their bedroom wall (I remember it always hanging there…) a small cross, a statue of Mary, and a statue of Jesus. My grandparents faith was so evident to me, those were the things that mattered to me. I am wondering how this will effect my Grandma, I think routine is probably important to her (even with alzheimers) and … well, he isn’t coming back to see her any more. Argh. I don’t know… Once again, I am left wishing that I lived up north, closer to family – but growing up I normally saw them at least once a year. I am thankful for that, I am thankful for him, I am thankful for the many blessings that they had in their life. I am sad … but it was time. I know he is in a better place.

I will miss him.

I put together a page of various photos from this summer, along with rambling commentary. Sort of a photo journal. It may take a while to load, and later I will be putting up the “scrapbook” from my vacation as promised, but I wanted to do this tonight. I had to do this tonight.

I find it pretty cool that Adam Curry, formerly of MTV fame, has a weblog. I don’t know why that amuses me, it just does. Funny isn’t it that we start to think that just because someone is famous in one way or another that they are no longer like the rest of us. I have actually traded e-mails with Paula Vaughan, one of my favorite artists, especially her cross-stitch pictures. I have this one in my bedroom, and I stitched a different one for my mom. I want to do this one someday to go with the other one in my bedroom.