Watching the Oscars. I had to miss part of it to record Queer as Folk. Turned it back on in time to see Ben Affleck announcing the clip of Traffic, up for Best Picture. Ummm… Ben. Forget to brush your hair? Need a razor??? What’s up with that? And Bjork’s dress… the swan thing. ACK! Bob Dylan just won for his nominated song “Things Have Changed” from “Wonder Boys”. Pretty cool – he looked shocked. I like the song – may have to go visit Napster to get a copy.
Went out again on Friday with the IO. Had a good time, but some of the old tension was back. But overall, good time, ended on a positive note. Then I innocently approached him with a question yesterday that I thought would be fine – I set off a bomb. Memories flooded back in my mind. I don’t like having to tip-toe around, and I won’t do it. That was the issue back in January and many times before. Is it so wrong of me to want to know *how* he can go on & on about how he loved me & wanted to marry me 3 months ago but now he isn’t even sure he wants to date me? It is the question that goes through my mind constantly. I just don’t understand. Sigh. I talked with American Tom tonight. He is such a great guy – I like talking to him (maybe because he lets me babble) He said it would be “twisted” if I got back together with him. I know Naomi, Kymberlie and everyone else in my life thinks the same. Why is it that I am so drawn to him? Maybe he was right on part of it – I don’t want anyone else to have him. Or there is the other issue – for 8 years I have believed that we could make it work. Then there is the comfort thing. Dating sucks. It is “easier” to be with him. You know what though? Yesterday wasn’t easy. I haven’t missed that heartache at all in the past 2 months. Not one single bit. He would probably say the same – he hasn’t missed the frustration, which in turn causes him heartache too. Matter of fact, that is what he snapped at me yesterday – that we had had such a good time Friday night and then “I set things so far back” by “ruining it” by pressuring him to make a decision. Umm… takes two to tango baby, and your attitude flipping out at me definately set things back too. And I wasn’t asking for a decision, I just keep asking myself the same question over and over. Aaauuuggghhh!!! I hate not knowing what to do. I hate indecision even though I am indecisive. (I know, I know. Whatever.) I want to move forward with my life, one way or another. Oh, and if you’re wondering – he saw chicky-poo last night. Had dinner with her & her family (parents, siblings, kids) and then she was there when I called him to ask him about his camera that I borrowed for the overnight at Space Center Houston. I didn’t know until today that she was there. Poor chicky-poo, I am sure she has no idea. He won’t burn that bridge until he figures out what to do about me. And you know what, that’s just sad.
Oh! I babbled too much about this whole IO thing. Moving along… Saturday night Jason & I went to Space Center Houston. They have a camp-in overnight program for the Cub Scouts. It was great. We had about 15 boys there from our Pack, and they took us as a group to see some of the exhibits more up close & personal, with a private tour. Then we got to do different activities – learn facts about the planets; make a star chart so we could check out the stars; learn about constellations; learn about satellites. Then we got to sleep there. On the floor. Cozy. In the Starship Gallery area, by the mock-ups that were used for astronaut training – the Skylab 1-G Trainer and the ApolloSoyuz Docking Module Trainer. It was sooooooo cool. Really. Ok, the floor wasn’t cozy. But it was still cool. Then they woke us up this morning just like they do the astronauts – with music. We got to pack up, clean up, get breakfast, and then over to the Imax Theatre to watch “To Be an Astronaut”. After that we took the JSC Facilities Tram Tour where we got to see the X-38 Emergency Escape Craft that we are building for the Space Station. It was pretty neat. It was also amazing to just go past the building that contains Mission Control. “Houston, we have a problem…” Wow. All the history that has taken place there. Then when we got back to the Space Center we did everything else that you can do. My feet are killing me – but it was a terrific day. I am so glad we went. Now I want to go back!
Off to watch the rest of the awards, and to answer my e-mail from my ad online. His life is going on – so will mine… why shouldn’t it? Julia Roberts just won Best Actress for “Erin Brockovich”. I thought the film was great, and she was great in it. I didn’t think she would win though. Too “mainstream” – but I am really happy for her. She looks fabulous!
Stay tuned. I am sure the soap opera of my life is far from over!