BigPinkCookie

Know what, Julie? It sure feels good to be writing again. I know I should have been all along, but you guys would have been bored to DEATH if I had just sat here and babbled non-stop about the IO. Naomi can vouch for me, I have been sort of obsessed & stuck on one topic lately. I thank her on a daily basis for being a great sounding board. Not sure where I would be if she wasn’t around to listen.

The IO was weird and moody on Wednesday, but more “normal” on Thursday. We are going out tonight. No idea where – unlike last week, he doesn’t seem too concerned about it. Which brings me right back to my previous debate… do I want him back in my life? I know I miss having him around. It’s “easy” in the sense that we have known each other for 8 years – sometimes getting to know someone new stinks. But then again, we have had lots of water go under the bridge in 8 years. Lots of water has gone OVER the bridge – the poor bridge has been all but washed away more then once. I am not sure if it is structurally sound. Maybe that is why I am feeling so rattled and unstable lately about all of this. So, you know what I decided to do? I decided that it is to early to start burning my other bridges. I had been writing and talking with one guy (I posted a personals ad to shop for a man back in January) for a few weeks. We haven’t met in person yet. Since the 13th, I had sort of slacked off on writing him – I still wrote, but not with the same zest. I decided that as long as chicky-poo is still in IO’s life, it is silly of me to *not* be writing. I also had had a few new responses that I hadn’t answered, so I took the time to write those guys too. It made me feel good! I had slacked off before, and I will still take things slow, because of the fact that it doesn’t make much sense to get in to talking with them and then to work things out with the IO.

I just have to figure out if it is the IO that I miss or being in a relationship. Being apart for 2 months, it is easy to gloss over the bad points, but as we spend time together again, the past is losing it’s shine.

Moving on to a new subject – my movie reviews for this weekend’s upcoming movies! This new “Heartbreakers” movie looks sort of lame, but Sigourney Weaver looks really good in it. Don’t think it would be worth $6.50 for a ticket. Maybe on cable. “Say it Isn’t So” looks really lame. Not worth watching on cable. “The Brothers” looks pretty funny though, I am adding that to my “try to see” list – I would be willing to pay for a ticket. They just gave it a B+ rating on the news too.

Darn. I wanted my free Taco from Taco Bell. More importantly, our boss said he would take the whole company to lunch at Pappasito’s if the Mir hit that target. Man!

DANG! I said I was just going to write “real quick” yesterday. Ummm… well, guess that proves the fact that I have no concept of time. When I get on a roll – look out!

It was such a crazy day at work today. I brought a bunch of stuff home because I had to leave work earlier to go get Jason. I hate it when I do that though, because by the time I get it home I don’t want to do it. I made myself though because otherwise I would be stressing over it tomorrow. It’s late and I just finished working here, so I had better get to bed. ‘night.

A jiffy is an actual unit of time: a jiffy is equal to one one-hundredth of one second.

I only have a jiffy to write right now (it’s after 10pm and I am still, yes *still* at the office). I can’t believe I haven’t written anything here since the 15th. Mannnnn… what an insane week and a half it has been. I have missed writing. This week of the month always gets crazy at work – the joys of sales, everyone seems to kick in to high gear towards the end of the month. Then we taper back off again at the beginning of the next month. My boss & I both call this week “Hell Week” – for good reason.

So, what’s going on with the Insignificant Other? Hmmmmm… if someone figures that one out for me, could they e-mail me & let me know? *Blah* I am starting to hit that funk mode, where I don’t know what to do. Quick run down. Talked to him via e-mail all of Tuesday. Called him in the evening. Got sick because I had been crying so much. Ending the conversation on the note of “we will talk again” – I told him to come over to my house. It was after midnight. I live about 40 minutes away from him. I just wanted someone to hold me, to comfort me – I had had a terrible day. (Big kudos to Naomi for telling me the next day that she would have come over if I had called her & asked.) He said yes. He told me later that he almost stopped and turned around half-way there. But he didn’t. Seeing him was magical, corny as that may sound. We talked until 3:30 in the morning. He had the most wonderful look in his eyes – like he was simply enchanted, so happy to see me. I was happy to see him. When he walked in the door he gave me a nice warm hug, and I felt like I was home. It was beautiful… Sooooo. We talked the next morning too, and then he left. I still felt quite sick, but I went ahead and came in to work. That was the afternoon of the big storm, hail and all – last Wednesday, 3/14. Wednesday night we talked some. He pointed out the fears – the issues we have never quite worked through. He pointed out (and I have to agree) that he has spent 2 months and 8 days (according to him, at first every 5 minutes and later at least once an hour) telling himself I didn’t want him around – it is hard to readjust and just change that way of thinking overnight. BUT my thoughts on that are that if he missed me so much, why not be happy now that we are talking? Hmmm… I guess we all deal with things differently. Thursday night he had an appointment near my house, and his second appointment cancelled so we went to dinner and then he came over to my place – we watched Friends and Will & Grace. (Exciting, I know.) Then Friday … Friday night was great, but had it’s down moments too. We went to Bayou Place in downtown Houston and ate at …oh heck, don’t remember the name of the restaurant. Quiet Italian place. Then we walked over to Sambucco’s – a Jazz bar – for drinks and to listen to the band. Then we walked around downtown – interesting side note, they were having an S&M Ball. People were dressed in some freaky clothes, they even have their babies in weird clothes. They should really buy some new baby girl clothes. Mannnnn… mesh shirts (no bras) on women, women in chaps with g-strings. Dog collars & leashes. It was hysterical – it was like we stumbled into the Twilight Zone. Back to our evening – we walked back to Bayou Place and went up to Slick Willie’s and played 2 rounds of pool. I actually *won* one!!!! HIGH FIVE! (I never win unless the other person scratches on the 8-ball. This was a real win.) Afterwards we went back to his place and I spent the night over there. (Gang, this is where things get weird…) Since we were in his car, he had to take me home Saturday afternoon so he could get home & get ready for his date with chicky-poo (see 3/13 for an explanation). Go home, come up to the office to do some stuff, go shopping at Target, go home & eat, go to Steven’s place (his apartment ROCKS) for his party. They drank, we watched American Beauty and Chicken Run. Yes, Chicken Run. “My life flashed before me eyes! It was pretty boring.” Watching Robert, one of the programmers (who was sober – doesn’t drink), cracking up over Chicken Run was a riot. Anyways… I went home at 2am, and called Mike. We chatted for a bit and then I asked him if he wanted me to come over – he said sure, so I did. Spent the night again, but was all moody on Sunday morning. I don’t like sharing. I am an only child, I don’t do it well. As I always do with him when I am uncomfortable – I start asking really dorky questions. LAME questions. I am not sure if it bugs the shit out of me or out of him more. I hate that I do it – but the words just pop out. Ugh. Blah. I ended up telling him that I don’t *need* him in my life – but I didn’t realize until Tuesday how much I missed him, how much I *want* him in my life. It was a nice moment, he was quite comforting. I honestly believe that for the most part, he wants to give us another chance too – but he is scared. I am scared too, that is what I think he doesn’t realize or understand. I don’t know quite why I have this drive to work things out with him all of the sudden. Maybe because it is easier then finding someone new? But until a week and a half ago, I didn’t really care if I found anyone new. I had me, I like me, I had my friends, I like my friends. It is strange. I don’t know what to think about it all. This week we have only talked. I could have gone to see him tonight, but he said he was tired. He had a really long day yesterday, so I am sure he is. But at the same time I was in this fantastic mood today – I got a lot accomplished at work, I was spunky, I was rocking… and when I suggested it earlier he said “maybe” but when I called later and asked what he had decided he said “no”. It burst my bubble. I told him too. Here he complained (even in his e-mails last week) about how I would never come over. Now I could come over, wanted to come over, offered to come over and he said no. What’s up with that? Man. Now where that leaves me? Making lame stupid comments again – which in turn stress me out and annoy him. Then he was snappy with me, and I started to cry. (I am a big cry-baby, so don’t get all anti-IO just because he made me cry. Sappy commercials on TV make me cry.) I called back later to apologize. Then a few more lame questions – and he says nothing. No response. I finally started to laugh. I told him that I think he does that, sitting there silent, just to see what other amazingly insane things will fly out of my mouth. We both started to laugh. It at least broke off some of the tension.

So, to sum it up, I don’t know what the heck is going on with us. He says he doesn’t know either. My gut feeling a few days ago was that he really wanted to work things out but is scared. I am not feeling quite so sure of that today. He seemed really snappy today – but part of that could have been perception from the funky bunny rabbit on speed mode that I was in. I was running like a crazy woman, unable to slow down until I hit the wall. I have no doubt that he loves me, or that I love him – how could we not after nearly 8 years together. Somewhere in all of our talking last Tuesday/Wednesday he made a comment about chicky-poo that “I feel closer to her kids sometimes then I do to her.” Ooooooooooo… not a good sign. Then he said how she had to do a road trip to take her kids to her aunt’s house, and he didn’t go, instead stayed home & moped about us and watched the Andy Griffith Marathon all day. This was on March 11th. I know him pretty well, and those are really not good signs. Poor chicky-poo, I actually feel sorry for her. She doesn’t know (I don’t think) that we have been out together. Maybe that is why he is acting so weird – guilt. What I think will end up happening (based entirely on past history) is that I will get annoyed with him trying to have his cake and eat it too. I will toss my hands up in the air and walk away, shaking my head. He is putting off dumping chicky-poo because he doesn’t want to hurt her. Well, I can’t share. Not after this long together (even with the 2 months apart) Then after a few days or a week he will realize (again) that he misses me. He will call, we will talk. I will be more distant then I have been, which in turn makes him want to bring me closer. I know he feels terrible about having to hurt chicky-poo. He even commented that it is not one person but three that he is worried about. Call me crazy, but that is a bit odd to me if her kids are that attached to him after 2 months – but whatever. Anyways, we will talk and I will tell him that yes, I love him, but he *has* to let her go. (I told him that last Tuesday.) He will do it, it will take a few days but he will do it. And then what?

See, that’s where I am stuck. The “then what” part. Last fall he told me he wanted to marry me – that he just had to get through his daughter’s wedding & Christmas. I didn’t believe him because again he wouldn’t set a date. Now, he isn’t sure if he even wants to date me, much less marry me. Ugh. I have no control, and I hate it. So then I end up making more stupid, lame comments, and then he thinks I am a dweeb. *sigh* I just want the life that I tossed away in January back. Actually, I want to go back to November – that was a good time. I miss the comfort of knowing that he is there for me. But I am scared – afraid that it is the comfort that I miss and not the actual person. Time will tell.

I’ll write more later from home. I have pictures from lunch with Naomi yesterday – pretty cool pics. Have to edit them before I can post them online… along with last week’s lunch pictures too. I think we will have to start a whole lunch gallery!

Thanks to Julie and everyone else (Naomi, Chelsey, Sandra…) for the comfort the past few days. I have been on a *huge* roller coaster of emotions since Tuesday. BIG. Where I was all settled and feeling cozy before, now I feel complete upheaval. More then I have since the day I told the Insignificant Other that I couldn’t take it any more. Blah. I ended up exchanging e-mails with him on Tuesday & then talking to him, and in the end I wound up making myself sick. We haven’t talked since January. I wasn’t even this upset when we broke up. A lot was revealed that I didn’t know, there were a lot of wrong impressions on both sides. A lot of feelings are on the surface now that I had buried pretty deep for the past 2 months. I am in zombie mode. Naomi was right – pictures don’t tell the whole story. There is a lot to this, and it is more then I am ready to write about right now. Maybe tonight, or tomorrow. Soon. I know writing about it will help me sort it all out, but I am not there yet.

On a different note, I will post the pictures later from lunch with Naomi on Monday, and write more about that too. I am glad she has been a great sounding board through all of this. Yesterday we went to grab a bite (and she listened to me babble about the whole IO situation) and then to the grocery store so I could get a money order, and when we left the grocery store we could see a big storm coming in, hail and all. You can visit Laura’s site to see a storm photo from our office building. It was pretty cool, although I did leave my desk because I am a bit too close to a window for a storm like that! I didn’t have power most of last night, which kept me offline. Fortunately, it was on long enough for me to cook dinner. Everything is back to normal now, and it is nice and sunny outside today. Gorgeous.

I am going back to my thoughts now… trying hard to bury myself in my work, hoping that I will stop thinking. It isn’t working very well, but I am trying. Time will tell…

UGH. Nothing like a swift kick in the butt when you are feeling better. I am still (don’t ask me why but I am getting off of it now…) listed as a member on the Insignificant Other’s family site at myfamily.com – well, we did date for 7 years, so I guess it made sense to be a member back when I thought he was actually serious when he proposed. But I digress… The other day I wrote about how I walked away from a dead relationship? I chose not to go with him to Whistler Resort. Well, guess what! The pictures from the trip are online! And … he took someone else. So much for his worries about how if he put my name down he wouldn’t be able to take someone else. UGH. BIG kick in the gut just now. He took some chick named April on the trip to Whistler. Posted a lovely photo of them on the sleigh ride. I was shaking so hard when I saw that picture was incredible. I did not cry … as much as I would have liked to. There are no tears left in me. There is a whole lovely album of photos. I think I am going to puke. She must have 2 daughters … there are a pic of them in there too, and from the caption they took the kids to the rodeo. Hope he is nicer to them then he ever was to Jason. He was always cold towards Jason, and then blamed Jason for it (ummm… who is the adult here?) But I made my choice. Holly said back then, “stay with him and go…” (because I was saying how I would love to go there) and I said NO. It wasn’t right. I felt more pain when I was with him then love. And after that trip, there would have always been another, and then another. Always some reason to stay, to hang on. Kudos to Naomi for reassuring me that I made the right choice. She pointed out that “it’s hard to deal with old feelings when stuff like this happens, but you deserve to be the happiest you can be in a relationship, and you knew it wasn’t going to happen in that one.” Awwwwww…. see? Where would I be without my friends. Thing is I always thought it *could* happen if he would have been willing to try. But he wanted something “easy”. And “we” were not easy. I, on the other hand, believe there is no such thing as easy when it comes to a relationship. They take work, effort, compassion, patience, and so much more. It also hurts because I haven’t found someone. Seems he thinks he has. As Naomi pointed out, “he probably jumped the first piece of ass he could find.” (Considering I have known him for 8 years now, she is probably right on the money on that one. And no, I am not trying to be cold & catty. I know him.) Like Naomi said, “you’re taking the time to find someone RIGHT for you.” Very true. I haven’t really been actively looking – the IO obviously went to the rodeo with this person which means they were dating in February. I knew I needed time to heal. Maybe that’s it, that’s what is eating me up inside right now. The fact that he has been able to move on so easily. So quickly. The fact that he didn’t come running after me, begging me to stay. The fact that I have always suspected that those last few months there was someone else, and maybe it was her. Don’t get me wrong – I am moving on, but there are days where it is a struggle (look at last week) and days when I soar. I have strengthened weak friendships. I have met some really nice people that I might not have ever known. I know a lot more about what I want (I appreciate the simple things in life and the deep things in people.) then I did when I first met him. Life will go on, and I am truly happier know then I was during that “last chance” with him. But today, seeing that photo of him with someone new, was a kick in the gut from out of nowhere that I really did not see coming.

Thanks Naomi for reminding me that by looking at pictures you don’t know the whole story.