Thanks to The Mighty Geek, I received my official formal “Welcome to the Blogger Division of the Department of Unemployment” last night! After carefully reading and agreeing to all of the stipulations set forth by the department’s Department of Legal Stupidity and Frivilous Lawsuits (don’t ask how I am fulfilling stipulation #2, ok?) I have been granted permission to share it here. All credit goes to GeekMan for this one!
Greetings Mr./Mrs./Miss Cookie,
As a founding member of the Blogger Division of the Department of Unemployment let me be the first to welcome you to our ranks. We have a long and varied history of gainful unemployment here and we’re always happy to have new members join us.
And since we know you’re unemployed, it won’t cost you a thing.
Our members have been at the forefront of slacker laziness for many years now, and we’re constantly doing whatever we can to further the rights of losers everywhere. Rights such as, but certainly not limited to;
• The right of sleeping till noon on a Wednesday
• The right to ‘forget’ to shave
• The right of alternating shower days
• The right to peruse the listings at one job site for less than one hour
and call it a day
• The right to enjoy the absolute worst daytime television programs without fear of ridicule from your employed friends and family
As a proud new member of our growing club, you will find that all of us here are willing to give you whatever help you may need in adjusting to your new work-free life. A few examples of some of our free services are;
• Hours of useless and meaningless chatting over the internet with any of our members
• A pamphlet on how to receive welfare even if you don’t deserve it
• Special grooming tips for the lazy and uninsured
• Special deals on video game systems with which you can waste hours or even DAYS of your worthless life
• A free copy of Hugo Sleepmoore’s NY Times’ bestseller ‘101 Ways To Put Off For Tomorrow What Should Have Been Done Today’
• A membership card and pledge pin with a color picture of you sleeping on the couch & drooling
• Discounts at the government cheese outlet
• And much, much more!
We know that you’re scared of your new life of worthlessness, laziness and unemployment, but we want you to know that we’re here to help. If you need anything, anything at all, you just call us at 1-900-SLACKER and we’ll be sure to get to your call right after we finish this game of Morrowind.
Calls are $2,000 for the first ten minutes on hold and $500 for every minute thereafter.
Remember, as an official member of the Blogger Division of the Department of Unemployment you are part of an elite group of do-nothing idiots with no real future or aspirations. Be proud and wear your pledge pin with pride.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, copying and pasting this form letter into this email is more work than I’ve done in 16 years and I need a break. And anyway, it’s time for Letterman. He’s really funny when you’re stoned, y’ know?
Good luck finding new employment. Oh, and if you do find someone looking for a graphics/web designer, be sure to send them my way.