Amuse Me

I Got My Letter!

Thanks to The Mighty Geek, I received my official formal “Welcome to the Blogger Division of the Department of Unemployment” last night! After carefully reading and agreeing to all of the stipulations set forth by the department’s Department of Legal Stupidity and Frivilous Lawsuits (don’t ask how I am fulfilling stipulation #2, ok?) I have been granted permission to share it here. All credit goes to GeekMan for this one!

Greetings Mr./Mrs./Miss Cookie,

As a founding member of the Blogger Division of the Department of Unemployment let me be the first to welcome you to our ranks. We have a long and varied history of gainful unemployment here and we’re always happy to have new members join us.

And since we know you’re unemployed, it won’t cost you a thing.

Our members have been at the forefront of slacker laziness for many years now, and we’re constantly doing whatever we can to further the rights of losers everywhere. Rights such as, but certainly not limited to;

• The right of sleeping till noon on a Wednesday
• The right to ‘forget’ to shave
• The right of alternating shower days
• The right to peruse the listings at one job site for less than one hour
and call it a day
• The right to enjoy the absolute worst daytime television programs without fear of ridicule from your employed friends and family

As a proud new member of our growing club, you will find that all of us here are willing to give you whatever help you may need in adjusting to your new work-free life. A few examples of some of our free services are;

• Hours of useless and meaningless chatting over the internet with any of our members
• A pamphlet on how to receive welfare even if you don’t deserve it
• Special grooming tips for the lazy and uninsured
• Special deals on video game systems with which you can waste hours or even DAYS of your worthless life
• A free copy of Hugo Sleepmoore’s NY Times’ bestseller ‘101 Ways To Put Off For Tomorrow What Should Have Been Done Today’
• A membership card and pledge pin with a color picture of you sleeping on the couch & drooling
• Discounts at the government cheese outlet
• And much, much more!

We know that you’re scared of your new life of worthlessness, laziness and unemployment, but we want you to know that we’re here to help. If you need anything, anything at all, you just call us at 1-900-SLACKER and we’ll be sure to get to your call right after we finish this game of Morrowind.

Calls are $2,000 for the first ten minutes on hold and $500 for every minute thereafter.

Remember, as an official member of the Blogger Division of the Department of Unemployment you are part of an elite group of do-nothing idiots with no real future or aspirations. Be proud and wear your pledge pin with pride.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, copying and pasting this form letter into this email is more work than I’ve done in 16 years and I need a break. And anyway, it’s time for Letterman. He’s really funny when you’re stoned, y’ know?

Good luck finding new employment. Oh, and if you do find someone looking for a graphics/web designer, be sure to send them my way.



By Christine

Christine is an Avenger of Sexiness. Her Superpower is helping Hot Mamas grow their Confidence by rediscovering their Beauty. She lives in the Heights in Houston, Texas, works as a boudoir photographer, and writes about running a Business of Awesome. In her spare time, she loves to knit, especially when she travels. She & her husband Mike have a food blog at Spoon & Knife.

12 replies on “I Got My Letter!”

Yay! You agreed to stipulation #7! You agreed to #7! I’m so awesome! I rock! WooHoo! And now I must admit that I really want to know how you fulfilled stipulation #2.

The Department of Legal Stupidity and Frivolous Lawsuits demands proof!

Where was this dept. when I was laid off? Geeesh! Congrats.. someone contacted you.. not you contact them. Not only if the Blogger Division will talk to you when you have a tech question! 🙂

I get back into town and find everything’s gone to hell. What’s this I read? Damn, sorry Christine. That Sucks.

Four Brothers don’t know what the hell they’re doin. I’m taking my business elsewhere. 🙂

While I’m technically not unemployed, I’m completely in the same boat … working at a bookstore isn’t exactly the life career I’ve been hoping for. 😉 The only difference between me and someone that’s unemployed is that I miss the crappy daytime TV because I’m busy slacking off in a bookstore. 😉

Why is it such a big deal about Aids? The more people get it the faster a cure will be found. That’s a fact! In this country they don’t find a cure for anything unless they can make money on the treatment. So don’t worry…be happy…a cure will be found because they can make a profit on it. People in Africa, forget about those yoyo’s! Didn’t you read & saw on the news about Kenya. The Miss World Universe was going to be held in that country, some poor female reporter made a coment about Mohamed & the girls & all hell broke loose! Result 200 killed, many wounded, female reporter in hidding because they want to kill her because of the comment she said. So don’t worry about Africa. If Aids don’t kill them, they will kill each other about minor stuff anyway. those people are hopeless!

Aw, I’m sorry to hear about your job Christine! Seems like a lot of people are in your position. I probably will be ina few months too, seeing as how I’m graduating in May expecting to go into the tech industry. Doh! But you’re a great web designer, so I’m sure you’ll get back on your feet in no time. Jobs may be tight, but there are still people out there who know talent when they see it.

In the mean time, enjoy the benefits of your new membership 😉

Snow Wars
SHIT. I hate snow. I hate it so much. Man, it’s really coming down hard out there. About inches now and I just woke up from studying really late. Time to put on the Gore-Tex and make a trip out to the ghetto market, which I’ve decided IS indeed a ghett…

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