I’ve been frustrated lately. It’s like words are on the tip of my tongue (or the tips of my fingers as the case may be), but I have nothing to say. Yet I want to shout from the rooftops and the whole world to hear my thoughts. Thoughts? What thoughts? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I think I’ve been reading way too much Chick Lit recently. First I read “In Her Shoes” by Jennifer Weiner. I had issues with this book, mainly because it was random. In the end, I really liked the book, and the style of writing worked well for the story as a whole – but I found it very hard to read. Another issue was that I kept wanting to identify with the sister that had it all put together, with what seemed like quite a perfect life – but in the end I realized I was a lot more like the fucked up sister that just seemed to get it all wrong. The one that basically thought the world revolved around her. All of my own personal failures, the demons I keep locked up came crashing down on me.
Next I read “Girl’s Poker Night” for one a Bookcrossing book ring I am participating in. Wow, if I thought that “In Her Shoes” was hard to read, this one was even worse. I felt like the character never let us in, never let us get to know the real woman she was on the inside. This was a key element to the story (again), but it still bugged me. She said that if you never take chances you never get hurt – and it’s really true. She never took a chance in even letting the readers know her. I finished the book thinking, “ah, good. That’s the end.” Stark contrast to when I read “Girls Are Weird” and couldn’t pick up a new book for two days because I didn’t want to spoil the memories I had of Anna K. and how I couldn’t wait to learn more about her.
As I scanned the bookshelf today for my next read, I realized I had to leave the Chick Lit for the time being – so now I’m reading Ray Bradbury’s “Fahrenheit 451.” Well written, giving my mind a rest.
My mind needs a rest. As I told Jennifer a few weeks ago, I think I’m suffering from clinical depression. I’ve had all the symptoms for many, many years. Back in 2000, I tried some medicine for it, prescribed by my regular doctor – and it was horrid. I only took it for 3 days – which I know isn’t long enough. I didn’t care. I was a walking zombie. I felt “flat”. I decided if taking medicine was going to make me feel like that, I wouild rather be depressed. Then a friend recommended me to use functional medicine,he said he had use gainswave before so I though I’d give his medicine a try.
*big deep breath*
Thing is, when I get really honest with myself – which we all know is pretty damn hard to do – I wonder if it isn’t something more. Especially after noticing my own behavior for the past few days at work. I am devouring every project that comes my way. I get a project, I tear through it, I want another. Very stark contrast to my behavior just a few weeks ago. So I do the research online to check up on myself – who needs a doctor when you have WebMD, right? – and I am lead again to wonder if I’m actually bipolar. I can count at least 4 times in the past year where my actions could be considered “hypomania”. I have delightfully fun mood swings sometimes. Ok, a lot of times.
I wonder. And it terrifies me. So now I have to face my fear, and as we all know – sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to face. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Getting help from a good psychiatrist is the next.
Normally, I prefer to write happy things, full of sunshine and light. Unfortunately, I’m not feeling very sunny right now. So instead I just don’t write. I miss the outlet though of writing.
I’m afraid though. I’m afraid that if I go to see a doctor and take medicine to treat whatever problem they diagnose, I will become less “me”. I don’t want to be the flat, monotone zombie again, living in a world of gray. I sort of like my colorful life just like it is – except when I start to see the problems that it can cause. It’s the problems that are making me tired, and driving me to do something about it.
Maybe I shouldn’t be writing all of this. Maybe it will come back to haunt me some day. Maybe I don’t care right now. Maybe some things just need to be said…
25 replies on “So Much And So Little…”
Getting on Lexapro was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I haven’t take it for a while, but I know it made all the difference in me feeling better. You really should go see someone. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I told you Girl’s Poker Night wasn’t very good. 🙂 Btw, I reordered that ring today so make sure you have the right address before sending it on.
First off, good for you for writing about it. I’ve suffered from many forms of mental illness my entire life (big surprise, I know) but it’s really only been recently that I’ve been able to “own” any of it in public. So that’s a huge step for you, right there. You’ll probably alternate between hating this post and loving it but believe me, in some small way it *will* help you.
Actually, I have a feeling the rest of my comment is going to get rather lengthy so I’ll take it to the good old-fashioned stand-by, the email.
In the meantime, you might want to check out Mike McBride’s child abuse survivor blog – he has a lot of links to blogs devoted entirely to depression, mental illness, abuse, etc. I have to make sure I’m in a very strong place before reading a lot of them because they cut me up fairly badly, but it’s very cleansing.
D’oh – the site is down for some reason at the moment, sorry. Should have checked that before I linked.
I’m very, very proud of you for admitting this to yourself!
If you start on medications that don’t work for you, there are always others. It sometimes takes a few tries to know what will work with a specific brain chemistry, so don’t get discouraged.
Just look at this as if you’ve got arthritis of the brain. Lots of people get it, no big deal. Life goes on. We tend to give more weight to “mental” illnesses, and I say, bah. I tell all sorts of people about my bout with depression, same as I tell them about the time I broke my leg. One and the same, I say.
Be strong, girl. 🙂
It’s national depression awareness month, kiddo so there is alot of talk out there to make you more aware. Call whichever doctor you trust more – your GP or your OB/GYN. Anti-depressants are not about being zombied these days, there are so many new ones out there…
Talking about it and saying some things IS what is needed. I managed to get by with counselling sessions, as I was determined not to go down the drugs route, but of course the main thing is you tackle this and take a course of action that suits and works for you. Drugs, therapy, whatever.
You should talk to Michelle tonight when you see her.
This can’t be the post you wanted to hide? It’s honest, real and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Two thoughts: I suggest reading “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon – I found it absolutely enlightening. Second, do follow your instincts and pursue treatment options; you may need to talk with several therapists or try several different medicines, and you may discover that you don’t really need to take anything at all – but if you don’t try, you won’t know. XOXOXOXOX
I think that it is great you wrote about this and acknowledge the problem. My father suffered from 4 types of depression and was on a rollercoaster that make the thrill riders scared. He never talked about it. He seeked help but refused to acknowledge that it was a serious problem. Only you Christine can determine if you need help or not – but I think just writing about it is a great start. Email me if you have questions. ((((Hugs))))
I’m really glad at least at this moment, that you haven’t deleted/restricted this post. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but I don’t think I’ve posted before. I’m a clinical bipolar myself, and I’ve been dealing with this disease for over a decade. I’ve always enjoyed your blog, and I just wanted to say that I understand _exactly_ what you’re saying when you don’t want to write when you’re not in a bright and sunshiney mood. I’ve been doing the same thing lately, for what sounds like the same reason.
Ok, I’ve rambled on for long enough for a comment… just thought I’d let you know that you are not alone, even if you may not know it.
the thing about meds for depression is that if you don’t like one, there is always another one to try. everyone’s body is different, so we react to them differently. i can relate about being less you on meds. i had to take a heavy barbituate for 18 years for seizures and i always felt a little out of it. also, there is no shame in writing about these types of things. it makes you a more tangible person. 🙂
I’m reading Girls Poker Night right now, and yeah, I’m having problems with it. The characters are fun, but you get such itty-bitty-teeny-tiny slices of them- she can’t focus on one subject for more than a few pages at a time- that it drives me crazy. I guess it’s supposed to be like a column writing format, but it’s annoying, and I normally like columns! I can’t wait to finish it up already. At least I bought it in e-book so it was a few bucks off.
I agree with what everyone has written above. Sometimes it takes while to find the right medicine for you – but it is so worth it in the end. For me, I would just feel like the world was so overwhelming and I didn’t want to “play” anymore. For what it’s worth – my BF takes St. John’s Wort because he doesn’t want to take any crazy medications either (supposed to be an herbal alternative to anti-depressants, I guess) and it seems to be working pretty well for him. I don’t know how it would work with the manic part of bi-polar, but I throw it out there as an alternative to medications.
Wow. What a hard entry that must have been for you to write. *HUGS* I hope it gets better girl, I really do. 🙂
I sure hope this courageous self-revelation bears fruit for you. Here’s wishing you healing and comfort.
Can’t hurt to seek professional advice, WebMD or not. If you restrict posts, can you put me on the list so I can know when to worry about you?
Hi Christine.
Like Amber up there, I’m bipolar, also. (Bipolar II) I was diagnosed in February, but only because I was so incredibly, amazingly, severely, unbelievably deluded.
I’m going to offer some unsolicited advice. It goes like this: If you believe that there is even the slightest possibility that you’re suffering from either depression or bipolar disorder – go seek help. A counselor or a psychiatrist (although, from personal experience, I’d say psychiatrist first, then counselor) will help you determine what your best course of action should be, if any. And if you don’t get a good feeling about whoever you’re seeing – find someone else. I’ve found that if you don’t find someone that you really trust and have a good vibe about – then you’re wasting your time.
I know how hard it is to put those words out there, and I think that was pretty admirable of you.
Sweetie, you are SO not alone one this one. I really admire you for opening up like you did. Like so many have stated, there are so many options for treatment out there. I am currently OFF meds for the same reason you stated…I am a walking zombie while on them. It’s like I become this flat, boring person. But I know that I need to talk to my doctor about trying something else. Reading your post has given me the little push I needed…going to call the doc as soon as I finish this comment. Now YOU go do it, too! 😉
Go see a doctor. Get some referrals. Call your insurance company. Go see a *good* psychiatrist RIGHT AWAY.
This kind of stuff has all been said above – but it really wouldn’t hurt to see someone. (from personal experience, I wouldn’t settle with the “family practioner’s” word. Go see a psychiatrist!) If medication is what you need – get them to work with you on it – try different things… just because one doesn’t work, there are others, some even new ones since the last time you saw someone. We’ll talk this weekend!! 🙁
Christine, I went through that whole self-revelation thing about 18 months ago and it turned out that all my highs and lows were directly related to my addictions. I never wanted to admit I was an alcoholic and a food addict…. I just thought I liked food A LOT and I liked to party. Big deal. Turns out it was a very big deal and it was killing me, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Explore all your avenues on this path to self-discovery, girl …
I tried Xanax years ago, and it did exactly what you describe to me. It “flattened” me out — and I quit taking it as well, for precisely the reason you give.
They’ve come SUCH a long way since, and there are many new meds now. Talk to your OB/GYN. Please.
I love the “arthritis of the brain” comment. What an excellent way to think of your situation!
There is no shame in having a chemical imbalance, and if anyone even insinuates to you that there is, tell them to kiss your behind. 🙂
I’d highly reccomend trying meds – just as everyone has said above – if one makes you feel funny there is always another. And while it may take a while to sort it out, it’s always well worth it to live a more stable life – I’ve suffered from depression off and on for years and last year started with one med, switched to another and it’s made a WORLD of difference. It’s hard, and especially hard to talk to a psychiatrist sometimes about why a certain med doesn’t feel right, but there are so many possibilities out there.
I am behind on my reading, but as one who lives on medication, may I just offer this advice? See a psychiatrist, do not take just whatever your regular doctor gives you. *hugs*
i may not be a doctor, but i’m always here for you if you need someone to talk to. you’ve got my number.
Looks like your readers need to start our own Bipolar ring. 😉 Add me to the list of BP2s. If you want to, check my blog under the cata “bipolar funtimes.” And by all means, if you ever want to talk to another person who has been there and is still glaring the disorder in the face, daring it to try to mess up my life, please email me. Talking helps. Definately go see a good psychiatrist and a good counselor, and don’t be afraid to switch around if one doesn’t seem right. Just b/c he/she is a licensed helper doesn’t mean that person is the best fit for *you*.