Year: 2001

I came home tonight, got some stuff done, started my lasagna for my New Year’s Eve dinner (I like it better reheated the second day) and then I decided to check my e-mail, post here, and so forth. Usual routine, right? Well … not so usual. Out of nowhere was an e-mail from the IO sent this afternoon.

Just reading your “Blah Blah Blog” and other related sites such as “BDIB” ……only really one word…….”Unbelievable”

What is unbelievable? That I have feelings? That I can hurt? That I can laugh? That I can have a life without you? That the world goes on? Who knows. I don’t. I honestly don’t even want to know what he thinks is “unbelievable”. I left it alone when he walked away. I had to write something back to that e-mail though, so I did.

That’s nice.

That was it. No name. No chit chat. Two words and a period. Because while my mind is going through a million scenarios of what on earth he is thinking, I DO NOT want to know. As Naomi said, it was a toxic relationship, no matter how much I loved him.

Ironically, when I posted last night the whole New Year’s Eve saga, and I said at the end how when I do things now that he would have hated … this blog is one of those things. I don’t know how he found my site, and I don’t want to know. It’s been here well over a year – why today? Who knows. If he wants to follow my life that’s just fine. (FINE. Just FINE.) My first reaction when I read his e-mail was “Ooooh no, I am going to be in SOOO much trouble.” WHAT is THAT??? What does that tell you about the relationship? Exactly. I have no desire to walk on eggshells and I won’t edit myself. I am out of that relationship. Obviously for good reason. Whatever. (I tossed that in just for him in case he does read this.) Read away. Maybe now you can see me for who I am TODAY instead of holding over my head who I was 9 years ago. Maybe you’ll like me, maybe you won’t – and either way, I don’t really care. You can’t hurt me any more.

Mar has a great idea with her Barter, Baby!” project. I am swapping soaps with her for Angela’s Ashes, The Red Tent, and Summer Sisters. What a fun way to move out things that you don’t need anymore! Thanks Mar!

I woke up this morning and the kidney stone pain was worse then it has been, but thanks to the joys of modern medicine I was able to go with my parents & Jason over to Beaumont to see my cousin Jeanette, her husband Brad, her kiddos, and my Aunt Marge & Uncle Ron who are down visiting from Minnesota. We had a really nice lunch and a great time visiting. It was a really good day. When we saw Marge & Ron this summer on the 4th of July it was a little bit shorter visit and there were more people around – so less time to visit it seemed.

I was so amused when they shared with us this joke that my great aunt (about 80 years old or so) told one day. Seems she was quiet, not really saying anything. She doesn’t talk a whole lot. And out of nowhere she said “Did you know they caught that Bin Laden guy? Yep, they dropped Viagra all over Afghanistan and the prick stood right up.” …yeah, now you know where the sense of humor comes from! Hehehe…

Snort laughter isn’t pretty, especially when you hit that point where you laugh like a hyena, but that’s what I did when I read 20 Ways to know you’re on “Ghetto Airlines” over at Mike’s site. Oh, I am snorting again just rereading it! It’s great!

I’ve been thinking about this all day, but Catherine’s post has finally brought it to the point where I simply *have* to write about it.

August 2000 the IO & I broke up. (IO=Insignificant Other, aka Freakio) All of my friends celebrated & rejoiced hesitantly, as we had broken up before but always got back together.

September, 2000 – He begged for another chance. He took me out for a birthday dinner and as he said, when I kissed him goodnight it was a kiss like you would give your grandmother. I couldn’t trust him to not hurt me again, to not insult me, to not put me down or simply break my heart. I didn’t believe in us.

October, 2000 – The begging for another chance continues. He tells me how he truly wants to marry me. My friend that has Herpes informed me about it, and it truly effected my sex life – as in I wouldn’t put out. The reality of the fact that STDs are possible hit home. Since I wouldn’t have sex with him, he was convinced I was “getting it somewhere else”. I wasn’t. I never cheated on him.

November, 2000 – I finally agree to give him another chance. Still no ring. He won’t set a wedding date. He won’t tell his kids until his daughter’s wedding was over (he’s 14 years older then I am, and she’s just 8 years younger then me) because he didn’t want to “overshadow” her wedding.

December, 2000 – It truly annoyed me that he wouldn’t announce our supposed engagement to his family. The excuse of overshadowing her wedding was lame, we had dated for almost 8 years – they probably would have said “it’s about time!” I felt completely out of place at her wedding, because she had no idea what to do with me. You know, the etiquette books don’t seem to cover “what do you do with your dad’s long time girlfriend that he doesn’t care enough about to finally marry?” The term “Insignificant Other” came to be during a conversation with Naomi. Christmas Eve – huge blowout with him because my Mother wouldn’t come over to my house for Christmas Eve, and she refused to invite him to her house. Christmas Day resulted in a lovely arguement and we didn’t talk until …

New Year’s Eve, 2000 – I called him because I didn’t want to just sit at home. We talked about the arguement the week before and I discovered he wasn’t as mad at me as I assumed. (Yeah, but why did I have to call him to find that out?) We agreed to go out and do something, but argued about what to do, when to go, and so forth. Another huge fight because I was dressed up for the night on the town and he showed up in khaki’s, a shirt, tie and jacket. (I expected him to be in a suit.) I said “Oh, I expected you to be more dressed up – let me go change quick.” I wanted to be a little more comfy. This made him flip out because I was supposedly saying he didn’t look nice. Uh, no. I simply said “let me go change and be a little more casual.” In the car we ended up in the first actual screaming match in years, and the roads were wet and slightly icy – I thought for sure he was going to kill us considering how he was driving. He realized what an ass he was being. Apologized. Apologized again. And again. And we went to dinner at the Comedy club as planned. I was miserable every minute I was there. Midnight rolled around – in the past I was always excited about what was going to lay ahead for us in the New Year, was that going to be the year we got married, etc. New Year’s Eve 2000? I thought to myself “in a year I do NOT want to be sitting here with him. I want him out of my life.”

It’s been a long year. I even attempted a few times to work things out with him. But this New Year’s Eve? I’ll be alone. Exactly what I wished for a year ago. While it’s not always fun being alone, I can honestly say in hindsight that it’s a lot better then being with him and miserable. That’s not what love is about. That’s not what life is about. I like ME too much to allow myself to be with someone that treats me like that.

So while I may be spending New Year’s Eve alone with Jason this year … it may just be the best New Year’s yet. (I still would like to be in Times Square with Kathy though for Bloggerfest.) I still have moments where I miss him – how can you not after 8+ years? But they are fewer and further inbetween incidents. And I am making plans for the future, moving ahead, and every time I do something I truly enjoy that he would have hated (and that’s a lot) I think to myself how glad I am that my life has taken the turns it has. I have found a peace that I only dreamed of a year ago. I am so very thankful for that. Serenity is such a good thing.

Catherine, you have my support. And to my other friends that are going through various transitions in their lives – I am here for you, always. We will get through it and make 2002 a good year.