A jiffy is an actual unit of time: a jiffy is equal to one one-hundredth of one second.
I only have a jiffy to write right now (it’s after 10pm and I am still, yes *still* at the office). I can’t believe I haven’t written anything here since the 15th. Mannnnn… what an insane week and a half it has been. I have missed writing. This week of the month always gets crazy at work – the joys of sales, everyone seems to kick in to high gear towards the end of the month. Then we taper back off again at the beginning of the next month. My boss & I both call this week “Hell Week” – for good reason.
So, what’s going on with the Insignificant Other? Hmmmmm… if someone figures that one out for me, could they e-mail me & let me know? *Blah* I am starting to hit that funk mode, where I don’t know what to do. Quick run down. Talked to him via e-mail all of Tuesday. Called him in the evening. Got sick because I had been crying so much. Ending the conversation on the note of “we will talk again” – I told him to come over to my house. It was after midnight. I live about 40 minutes away from him. I just wanted someone to hold me, to comfort me – I had had a terrible day. (Big kudos to Naomi for telling me the next day that she would have come over if I had called her & asked.) He said yes. He told me later that he almost stopped and turned around half-way there. But he didn’t. Seeing him was magical, corny as that may sound. We talked until 3:30 in the morning. He had the most wonderful look in his eyes – like he was simply enchanted, so happy to see me. I was happy to see him. When he walked in the door he gave me a nice warm hug, and I felt like I was home. It was beautiful… Sooooo. We talked the next morning too, and then he left. I still felt quite sick, but I went ahead and came in to work. That was the afternoon of the big storm, hail and all – last Wednesday, 3/14. Wednesday night we talked some. He pointed out the fears – the issues we have never quite worked through. He pointed out (and I have to agree) that he has spent 2 months and 8 days (according to him, at first every 5 minutes and later at least once an hour) telling himself I didn’t want him around – it is hard to readjust and just change that way of thinking overnight. BUT my thoughts on that are that if he missed me so much, why not be happy now that we are talking? Hmmm… I guess we all deal with things differently. Thursday night he had an appointment near my house, and his second appointment cancelled so we went to dinner and then he came over to my place – we watched Friends and Will & Grace. (Exciting, I know.) Then Friday … Friday night was great, but had it’s down moments too. We went to Bayou Place in downtown Houston and ate at …oh heck, don’t remember the name of the restaurant. Quiet Italian place. Then we walked over to Sambucco’s – a Jazz bar – for drinks and to listen to the band. Then we walked around downtown – interesting side note, they were having an S&M Ball. People were dressed in some freaky clothes, they even have their babies in weird clothes. They should really buy some new baby girl clothes. Mannnnn… mesh shirts (no bras) on women, women in chaps with g-strings. Dog collars & leashes. It was hysterical – it was like we stumbled into the Twilight Zone. Back to our evening – we walked back to Bayou Place and went up to Slick Willie’s and played 2 rounds of pool. I actually *won* one!!!! HIGH FIVE! (I never win unless the other person scratches on the 8-ball. This was a real win.) Afterwards we went back to his place and I spent the night over there. (Gang, this is where things get weird…) Since we were in his car, he had to take me home Saturday afternoon so he could get home & get ready for his date with chicky-poo (see 3/13 for an explanation). Go home, come up to the office to do some stuff, go shopping at Target, go home & eat, go to Steven’s place (his apartment ROCKS) for his party. They drank, we watched American Beauty and Chicken Run. Yes, Chicken Run. “My life flashed before me eyes! It was pretty boring.” Watching Robert, one of the programmers (who was sober – doesn’t drink), cracking up over Chicken Run was a riot. Anyways… I went home at 2am, and called Mike. We chatted for a bit and then I asked him if he wanted me to come over – he said sure, so I did. Spent the night again, but was all moody on Sunday morning. I don’t like sharing. I am an only child, I don’t do it well. As I always do with him when I am uncomfortable – I start asking really dorky questions. LAME questions. I am not sure if it bugs the shit out of me or out of him more. I hate that I do it – but the words just pop out. Ugh. Blah. I ended up telling him that I don’t *need* him in my life – but I didn’t realize until Tuesday how much I missed him, how much I *want* him in my life. It was a nice moment, he was quite comforting. I honestly believe that for the most part, he wants to give us another chance too – but he is scared. I am scared too, that is what I think he doesn’t realize or understand. I don’t know quite why I have this drive to work things out with him all of the sudden. Maybe because it is easier then finding someone new? But until a week and a half ago, I didn’t really care if I found anyone new. I had me, I like me, I had my friends, I like my friends. It is strange. I don’t know what to think about it all. This week we have only talked. I could have gone to see him tonight, but he said he was tired. He had a really long day yesterday, so I am sure he is. But at the same time I was in this fantastic mood today – I got a lot accomplished at work, I was spunky, I was rocking… and when I suggested it earlier he said “maybe” but when I called later and asked what he had decided he said “no”. It burst my bubble. I told him too. Here he complained (even in his e-mails last week) about how I would never come over. Now I could come over, wanted to come over, offered to come over and he said no. What’s up with that? Man. Now where that leaves me? Making lame stupid comments again – which in turn stress me out and annoy him. Then he was snappy with me, and I started to cry. (I am a big cry-baby, so don’t get all anti-IO just because he made me cry. Sappy commercials on TV make me cry.) I called back later to apologize. Then a few more lame questions – and he says nothing. No response. I finally started to laugh. I told him that I think he does that, sitting there silent, just to see what other amazingly insane things will fly out of my mouth. We both started to laugh. It at least broke off some of the tension.
So, to sum it up, I don’t know what the heck is going on with us. He says he doesn’t know either. My gut feeling a few days ago was that he really wanted to work things out but is scared. I am not feeling quite so sure of that today. He seemed really snappy today – but part of that could have been perception from the funky bunny rabbit on speed mode that I was in. I was running like a crazy woman, unable to slow down until I hit the wall. I have no doubt that he loves me, or that I love him – how could we not after nearly 8 years together. Somewhere in all of our talking last Tuesday/Wednesday he made a comment about chicky-poo that “I feel closer to her kids sometimes then I do to her.” Ooooooooooo… not a good sign. Then he said how she had to do a road trip to take her kids to her aunt’s house, and he didn’t go, instead stayed home & moped about us and watched the Andy Griffith Marathon all day. This was on March 11th. I know him pretty well, and those are really not good signs. Poor chicky-poo, I actually feel sorry for her. She doesn’t know (I don’t think) that we have been out together. Maybe that is why he is acting so weird – guilt. What I think will end up happening (based entirely on past history) is that I will get annoyed with him trying to have his cake and eat it too. I will toss my hands up in the air and walk away, shaking my head. He is putting off dumping chicky-poo because he doesn’t want to hurt her. Well, I can’t share. Not after this long together (even with the 2 months apart) Then after a few days or a week he will realize (again) that he misses me. He will call, we will talk. I will be more distant then I have been, which in turn makes him want to bring me closer. I know he feels terrible about having to hurt chicky-poo. He even commented that it is not one person but three that he is worried about. Call me crazy, but that is a bit odd to me if her kids are that attached to him after 2 months – but whatever. Anyways, we will talk and I will tell him that yes, I love him, but he *has* to let her go. (I told him that last Tuesday.) He will do it, it will take a few days but he will do it. And then what?
See, that’s where I am stuck. The “then what” part. Last fall he told me he wanted to marry me – that he just had to get through his daughter’s wedding & Christmas. I didn’t believe him because again he wouldn’t set a date. Now, he isn’t sure if he even wants to date me, much less marry me. Ugh. I have no control, and I hate it. So then I end up making more stupid, lame comments, and then he thinks I am a dweeb. *sigh* I just want the life that I tossed away in January back. Actually, I want to go back to November – that was a good time. I miss the comfort of knowing that he is there for me. But I am scared – afraid that it is the comfort that I miss and not the actual person. Time will tell.
I’ll write more later from home. I have pictures from lunch with Naomi yesterday – pretty cool pics. Have to edit them before I can post them online… along with last week’s lunch pictures too. I think we will have to start a whole lunch gallery!