Category: Educate Me

Ahhhhh… it is amazing what a good night of sleep will do for the spirit, isn’t it? I went to bed early, I slept a little later than normal thanks to Mike getting up and taking Jason to school, and now I’m just relaxing. So much better. I don’t have much time to relax though – I’m going to go weave in the ends and felt my giant slippers, along with a Sophie bag, over at Katy’s house. Then it is off to develop my last roll of film. If it wasn’t for the fact that my portfolio is due tomorrow and I still need night photography prints, I wouldn’t go in to do it. However, if the photos I took last night don’t turn out, I will need to shoot more tonight – so I have to go in.

I plan to lay low and say as little as possible. I will continue to make my best effort with my work, and just let that speak for me. I will also do the online evaluation, and once the grades are posted, I will possibly write the department chair to let him or her know about the situation. I am still bothered by the lack of critique on our work, and the more I think about it, I worry that he thinks I’m such a “know it all” that he has been grading my work harder than others. Obviously, I would like to get an “A” in the class, so I just need to ace the final and be done with it all.

My bigger hurdle left for this week is the Biology lab practical and unit 4 test. I’ve learned this semester that while I didn’t care much for the bacteria and protists section of Biology II, I like the later plants and animal sections. Unit 4 has been vertebrates, and I don’t mind studying them at all. While reading a Zoology textbook the other day to prepare for our project, I actually had to make myself put it down and get the project done – it was that interesting! Random trivia, always a good thing to have!

(Long rant. I’m taking advantage of the extended entry. You deserve a prize if you make it through the whole thing.)

I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day when I woke up after about 2 hours of sleep. Yes, 2 hours of sleep. My head was racing non-stop with so many things I needed to do. I could never really get settled in. I tossed, turned, and watched the clock all night.

I felt like a zombie for half the day today, and a moody zombie at that. Then I had my photography bubble popped.

Then my photography teacher made a rather asshat comment as I left the class today. This girl, who isn’t even shooting photos with the right film after a whole semester in the class, was asking him a question; she wanted to know if 60 divided by 12 was 5. Not even thinking (zombie state), I said yes. I realized that the words in my head had come out of my mouth, and I immediately apologized because I could tell from the look on his face that it had really pissed him off. He said, “THANK YOU, but this IS MY CLASS.”

Uh, ok, I know that. You’re the one that grades the papers and gets paid for being there. I’m the one that gets the grades and turns in assignments. Yep, pretty clear to me that it is your class.

I tried to shake it off. I knew I was tired and edgy, so there was no point in stressing over it. I went into the darkroom, I finished most of my portfolio prints, and I came out to leave when class was over. I was cordial to him, and I thought the moment had passed.

That was until he stopped me as I left – I was the last person to leave thanks to having my giant Biology scavenger hunt box with me – and he said it to me again. That it has really bothered him; that no matter how much I think I know about photography, and how much I might in fact know, it is still HIS class. He would appreciate it if I remembered this.

I was stunned. First of all, we only have 3 days left in the semester, and then he will be done with me. So was there a need for a confrontation? I don’t think so. Second, I said the word “yes” to a math problem. It isn’t like I was telling her how to print her film – I couldn’t begin to do that, since it isn’t the right film anyways. (There is black & white film out that you can buy and have printed at a regular store lab after you shoot it – we use different film and different chemicals for our class.) Last but not least, I definitely do NOT think that I know it all when it comes to photography. I think that learning is a lifetime process, and no matter how much I know about photography, there is always so much more to learn. I could take classes every day for 10 years and still not know it all.

I, of course, started to cry. Why? Because that is how I react to anyone that I seek approval from when they talk to me like this. I prefer to handle these situations over the phone (I can hide the crying better) or via e-mail where I can hide it completely. In person? After 2 hours of sleep? I knew the second that he stopped me that I was going to fall apart.

I was right.

I went on to apologize, trying to explain that I said yes before I could stop myself, and I was really sorry for doing that. That was when he made the comment about me thinking that I knew it all, and that it was his class. I stammered. I took a deep breath. I told him that that was not the case at all, I did not feel that way. He said that was how I had acted. I said again that that was not how I felt. He said that maybe he was reading something wrong, because that was definitely the impression he got. I told him that I was sorry if that was the impression he got, because it was not how I felt. I apologized again, as the tears flowed.

I’ve been busy, busy, busy!

– Presentation for honors day is ready, speech and powerpoint is done. Just have to pick out what I am going to wear and show up.
– Most of my research for the Biology project is done. (Still on campus right now because I was working on it.) Just have to put it in a better format and send off to lab partner to make the presentation.
– Most of my notes for the next podcast are done, and if I get home from the guild meeting early enough tonight I will record the show.
– Have to shoot one last roll of film for photography class – night picture, picture of a person by a window, and a reflection photo. (Something in a reflective surface.) Have ideas for all three, just need to take them.
– Study, study, study – lots of tests next week!

I also need to take pictures of my new YARN and some of my new prints from class. But not right now – it is time to go KNOT! (Knitters North of Town, the local chapter of KANG, the Knit at Night Guild.)

Notice how I said that my lab partner is making our presentation for next Tuesday? Yeah. I’m giving up control. I didn’t realize just how much of a control freak I am about things like this until yesterday, when I was working with my honor’s project partner on our presentation for tomorrow. I resisted the temptation to say it was just all wrong when I saw how “wordy” the slides were, but man … it was hard. I knew I had issues with liking things done a certain way, but I didn’t realize it was quite that bad! Ugh. I really must work on that. I do not need to obsess and control everything. The world is not going to fall apart if the slides do not look exactly like I want them to look. So for Biology, I am resisting the urge to try to take over and control everything with the attitude of “if it isn’t done my way it isn’t right.” I mean, I don’t cope very well when I am treated that way by other people, so it is time to stop doing it myself! (I also let my perfectionism stand in my way of completing things, because what if I do it wrong? But really, no, I don’t have issues. Nuh uh. Nope.)

I feel like I don’t know if I’m coming or going these days! Just 13 more days! 13 more days!